Are all my Friends Secretly Just Cell Phones?
I recently made a startling discovery that I must share with whoever out there still reads written work longer than 140 characters. You people are heroes. Heroes that fall somewhere on The Hero Spectrum with Caitlyn Jenner and all firefighters… we shall let the educated keyboard warriors of the internet decide where exactly on said spectrum you land.
Recently my mom pointed out something that I had been wondering for a while. This startled me because I will never see eye to eye with my mom. Because, first of all, she’s taller than me, (hehehehe) and she also takes fanny packs seriously, like very seriously. Like, “Shannon, just wear one of my fanny packs to school, then you won’t have to worry about losing your keys!” level of serious, and yes, unfortunately she has more than one fanny pack.
This conversation with my mom happens just about every day. We’ll be in the kitchen and she’ll ask me about my day and if anything interesting happened, to which I’ll reply “nope” while simultaneously texting 8 of my closest friends various: “OMG”s and “LOL”s and “That’s insane, how could he do such a thing?!?!” with no expression at all across my face.
The most recent time my mother and I were in this situation, she said to me: “I don’t get it, what do you even have to say to each other on that thing? [that thing being my phone] Do you ever wonder if you’re just friends with a bunch of cellphones?” To this I probably just laughed and walked away to be alone in my room with my phone full of friends.
And that’s when it hit me. My mom was right. Something I thought I’d never say since the whole “fanny packs are cool” debacle started circa 1998.
How many of my friends are just…Androids and iPhones? Are we slowly morphing into our cell phones? And more importantly, does this mean that fanny packs really are cool after all???
Lately, after I hang out with someone and we both get back into our separate cars, I’ll look to see what they do when they get into their car. 9 times out of 10, they take out their phone and quickly type out a short 1000 word novel about our interaction and how nice my hair looked, I presume. This person is usually that friend that will have little to say to you during a car ride, drop you off and then linger in your driveway before backing away and will sit there with their car running, sending 40 paragraph-style texts to 5 different friends.
That friend is a phone.
So, naturally, I did a little more research to get to the bottom of this and here are 7 sins, ahem, I mean signs that will show you whether:
A) You prefer your phone to your friends, and/or
B) You are morphing into your cell phone.
Sign #01: Your Phone Looks Like You
Now, we’ve all seen those people that look just like their pets. Well, take a look at your phone and tell me that it’s not a spitting image of you. And no, I don’t mean when the front camera is turned on and facing you…
Sometimes me and my iPhone have matching mustard stains on us. Is this a coincidence? I think not. Maybe the reason my phone is messy and likes mustard just as much as I do, is because we are slowly morphing into the same being.
Sign #02: Your Right Hand is a Phone
I haven’t seen the birth of a baby recently, or ever for that matter, so can anyone confirm if babies come equipped with a phone in their hand and an expensive 3-year phone contract these days when born?? I assume so. If you put down your phone consciously, and then all of a sudden find that you’re scrolling through your Instagram newsfeed, well, your phone might now be attached to your hand and you are probably morphing into your phone, and you should probably see a doctor. Which you won’t do, because your doctor’s office doesn’t have Wifi.
Sign #03: No One LOLs at Your Jokes In Real Life
Ever have that Earth shattering moment where you text your friend something funny from across the room and they send back a: “LMAO” but they don’t even crack the slightest bit of a smile? Yeah, me neither… But seriously, this might lead you to prefer phones than humans because texting a joke to a phone, rather than saying it to a human friend, will probably guarantee you an apparent Laugh Out Loud response.
Sign #04: When Your Phone Dies, A Part of You Dies
When your phone gets down to 5% battery life, and you turn off your data, do you ever find yourself with no hope left and suddenly your in robes from the Victorian era and you’re somehow churning butter?? This is a sure fit sign that you are morphing into a cell phone, since without it, you have no idea how to live in modern day society.
It also means that your family will always have a plethora of good hearty butter.
Sign #05: Your Snapchat Story is Longer than Kim Kardashian’s First Marriage
We’ve all seen these never ending Snapchat stories that we complain about, then proceed to click through till the end. Ironically, most of the time, these snaps are strategically planned, detail-oriented pictures you take of yourself when you’re bored (about 80 times over to get the perfect shot) with the sole goal of looking like you’re effortlessly cool and do exciting things. I’m someone who knows this first hand because I have a pool, which if you didn’t know, is code for: perfect summer Snapchat opportunities!
No offence to my human and phone friends alike, but none of you have ever come over for a swim without Snapchatting the perfect picture of your legs tanning beside my pool…
If you tanned by a pool and didn’t Snapchat it… did it even really happen at all?
If you are one of these people who can’t experience something without snapping it for other phone friends to see, then you probably enjoy spending time with your phone than those around you.
#06: If U Skipped the Rest of this & Only Read this 1 B/C it’s the Shortest, Ur Prob a Phone Because Only Phones Like 140 Characters or Less
#7. Followers and Likes are Genuinely Important to You
We all know social media is a huge part of our lives today… so much so that writing that makes me yawn, and now that makes you yawn too. The way I see it, is that other generations overcame wars, famine, etc, while MY generation mastered the selfie and not to mention, also bravely discovered that in life, you only live ONE time (YOLO)… No idea how the world lived without knowing this. They probably walked around thinking they had many more lives to live than one. LOL @ them. But on a serious note, when did having a boat load of “followers” turn from “Call 9-11” to “OMG you’re famous!” It’s a weird world out there, one that supports that it’s totally okay to post an edited picture of your face with an irrelevant song lyric that we all know is only there to strategically distract viewers from realizing how absurdly ego centric that truly is!
Woah! How did that get there??!!
But anyway, if you catch yourself truly caring about the number of people that, probably half the time accidentally, double-click on a meaningless picture of you, you’re probably morphing into a phone AND you probably prefer phones to friends.
Also, if you start yelling “LIKE” at innocent people in the street who are wearing cute outfits and white converse shoes, then you are probably addicted to social media and ergo are probably morphing into your cell phone.
Mom, if you figured out how to use “The Google” and are reading this, fanny packs are still not cool. You were only right about the one thing, okay?
Okay, I rest my case.
All in all, I hope we can stop ourselves from becoming our phones, but it may be too… sorry, hold that thought… I GTG. So many texts I didn’t respond to while writing this.