Dear young people, and those “cooler” adults who still wear jeggings, if you say and/or do these things, kindly Sway and Nay Nay, or whatever, off a cliff.
Let’s be honest, you paid $800 for this weekend so you could get at least one good picture of you “living in the moment” on some sweaty guy named Tevin’s shoulders.
Proceeds from these festivals should probably go to all the guys that pretended to be strong enough to support you and your selfie stick.
Also, you had this outfit planned for 4 months and I hate you for it.
#02: “The 6ix”
Stop calling Toronto something remotely cool. We had a crack smoking mayor, it always smells like cheese, and everywhere you go something wet is bound to drip on you and it’s NEVER rain… but yeah, replacing the “S” in “six” with the number 6 will solve all of these problems!
Other generations took slavery out of their countries. Our’s took the letter “b” out of “babe” and it started a revolution. The popularity of this word is about as stupid and confusing as Pharrell’s weird giant Arby’s hat.
#04: Kylie Jenner
Given this recent obsession, you’d think she was an old, wise brain wizard who single-handedly cured cancer, or wrote a better ending to Dexter or something. But, nope, she just inspired a bunch of girls to suck their lips into bottle caps and tie flannel shirts around their waists. #Hero
Special shoutout to flannel shirts being tied on waists. Are you going to throw that on later and go cut down some wood so that a small family living in a cabin can be kept warm at night? I didn’t think so.
#05: “I can’t even”
NO JESSICA, YOU CAN EVEN AND YOU WILL EVEN
#06: “Rise and grind”
Unless you live in a third world country and you have to travel 5 miles to get jugs of clean water that you carry on your head every morning, then “rise and grind” doth not apply to you, sir. Waking up at 9 to go to your well paying job or to the gym does not entitle you to brag about your difficult life of paycheques and mirror selfies.
#07: “I like him as a person…”
Would you like him more as a cat?
This year we’ve decided to be obsessed with eyebrows that are “on fleek/point!” I hope next year we’re obsessed with, like, elbows. I’ve got some nice elbows. Never ashy too.
#09: “White Girl Wasted”
Do people still say this? Well, if so: shout out to you girls that strive to get so drunk that you lose your Payless heels, throw up on your friend, cry about your lost iPhone that’s in your hand, text your ex, eat a burrito, and then hit up the gym the next morning for some cardio like it ain’t no thang.
#10: Fetty Wap
Okay, what’s a “Fetty Wap”? If I’m not mistaken, it is a rare disease that is carried by tropical birds. Is there a vaccination for it?