I’ve struggled with this very serious/real/concerning problem for as long as I can remember. Why can’t I be cool? Why can’t I just rock some clean white converse shoes and say “doe” at the end of sentences without laughing? Why can’t I call Toronto “the 6ix” like everyone else? I don’t even know what a “fitted” hat means. Before writing this, I came home and found my mom in the kitchen entertaining her friend who was nearly having a heart attack from laughing as she aggressively was stretching her face and saying: “look how good I’d look with Botox!!”
And that’s when it hit me.
A napkin, that is. She must’ve thrown it at me when she saw me zone out upon making my discovery.
My mom is a teacher and every Friday, the teachers take turns bringing in desserts… My mom brings fruit….
I was raised by a severely uncool parent.
My mom, the woman that thinks she’s all high and mighty ’cause she doesn’t pee in the shower, is the reason I cannot be cool.
I’ve composed some evidence in the form of real life quotations from my mother that I’ve recorded through the year to support my cause:
#01: “That’s it. Book Club is cancelled and I don’t even care!!” – My Mom, the thug.
#02: “I’m wearing my indoor shoes OUTside, so no, I’m not happy.” – My Mom, in Costco.
#03: “Why do you even need friends when there’s a library just around the corner?” My Mom, owns-library-card-and-is-not-afraid-to-use-it.
#04: Her thoughts on drinking: “I’ve never done alcohol, and I sure don’t need it to have fun!” – My Mom, Straight Outta Book Club.
#05: “Do your friends still say ‘emo’”? – My Mom, sending a text message to her friend Mary. Nothing says “I have 3 degrees!” like my mom sending a text…
#06: “Shannon, if anyone is rude to you, you tell them that your mom says you do not tolerate rudeness!” – My Mom, the comeback queen.
#07: “Breaking Bad?? Sounds better than breaking wind am I right?” – My Mother, the comedian.
#08: “Vegans are people that eat gross little nuts and never stop talking about it.” – My Mom, the dietician.
#09: “There’s no nature in Vegas, so I don’t know how it’s ‘awesome‘ ” – My Mom, the party animal.
#10: “Are you an animal? You didn’t put the cap on the toothpaste. I don’t know who you are. Who raised you?!” – My Mom, being dead serious.
#11: “This is the kind of moment where I’d definitely say the ‘s’ word!” – My Mom, the potty mouth.
#12: “Ouuu I LOVE Downton Abbey” – My Mom, when no one is even remotely on the topic of Downton Abbey.
#13: My way-too-vulgar Mom sets the internet password…
All of this nonsense aside, my mom dances like nobody’s watching,
and now so do I.
I literally dance while driving just to make that sad looking guy smile in the Corolla beside me. So sue me if I’m not cool. (You do have my permission to sue me if I rear end you whilst dancing doe… Ahhh look Mom! I used “doe” in a sentence! Maybe there’s hope for me after all!”)
My oddball Mom is right, laughter is the key to life, even if it comes at the expense of some
AWFUL mom jokes. I wish I listened to my mom and abandoned the “being cool” thing years ago and spent more time dancing in other people’s rear view mirrors.