I almost guarantee that there are a large portion of people who read the title of this and were all like: “Hey we’re not always offended by stuff!!” and then that little voice in their head was like “Shhhh this is irony, we talked about this.”
There’s a huge difference between having a problem with the way things are and doing something about it, and just flat out being offended by things you think you know about from that one college seminar where you spent the whole class harvesting your crops on Farmville, or that Huffington Post article you scanned that told you to be offended about something.
I really wish I could just bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy. But realistically someone would have a “rainbow-intolerance” and some other kid would say that “smiles are racist” and that happiness is hard because I didn’t acknowledge the struggles of “introverts.”
And someone would probably yell: “She doesn’t even go here.” Which is true.
We are a generation filled with people who take offence easily but that’s not always a bad thing. In fact, if the opinions are valid and educated, carry on with your Facebook comment wars (that I admittedly will read 8 times out of 10) BUT here are the very offended OR offensive kind of people who, well, offend me.
#01: Keyboard Warriors
I never EVER want to be alone in a dark alleyway with one of those people who argues on celebrities’ Instagram pictures. “Leave Kim alone, she’s stressed lately!” Hey @BiebsLover69_xox, you need a hobby. May I suggest rollerblading? It’s fun and sexy and honestly, it’s true what they don’t say; the hardest part about rollerblading is signing so many autographs. It’s also a great way to embarrass the weight off!
And no, I am not calling you overweight…
Great, now there’s gonna be an anti-rollerblade support group for this person I just invented.
When people make racist or sexist Instagram comments or Facebook statuses, I do this crazy UNHEARD of thing: I unfriend them. Then I silently hope they suffer a gluten-intolerance in the near future.
Which brings me to my next point…
Gluten is the cause of all evil within our generation. Move aside historical tyrants and measly World Wars, have you met Gluten? As of recently, the most hated figure in the first world comes in the form of a slice of Wonderbread, and not even just the end pieces.
How do you think Gluten feels?? It’s bullied so much lately, it probably eats a box of Krispy Kreme donuts at night before crying itself to sleep. It offends me how offended people are about gluten.
Imagine if people got as passionate about solving the issue of homelessness as they do for disgusting gluten-free snacks?
Saying “Sorry Not Sorry” is just a fancy way of saying “Hey I’m an asshole.” Adding #SorryNotSorry is not a cloak of invisibility that blinds people to your horrible words you filthy muggle. But then again, maybe I just don’t understand the “sorry not sorry” feeling, as I am always sorry… If someone were to stab me in the stomach with a pitchfork, I’d probably apologize for bleeding on their presumably nice shoes.
(I dunno why I said pitchfork, I’ve got Shrek on the brain, like all normal human beings do on Friday nights, right? Right?)
Great, now nice shoes everywhere are going to be offended that I said their owners would stab me.
#04: “I Don’t Care What People Think”
People who say: “I don’t care what people think” ALWAYS care what people think, almost even more so than the average caring human people. Caring what people think makes you a human being. Just don’t care too much, or you’ll wind up keyboard warrioring all over someone’s Facebook post that bashes a movie you only half-liked.
This line is just as good as: “I’m really honest”… Okay mam, would you like a medal for being a total prick? Everyone else is just as honest, but inside their own heads. You proudly advertising your “honesty” is just you justifying how big of a prick you are.
The woman who made the Dear Fat People video is one of these “I don’t care what people think” kind of people. I’m not going to keyboard warrior all over this topic, but I must say that one of the most offending things of this video, was that she is being called a comedian…
“Are you still watching?” YES I’M STILL WATCHING. What did you think happened? After watching 45 episodes in a row I decided by the 46th that I’d “go get some fresh air?” What do you think I am, Netflix? Someone who likes fresh air? That’s offensive. Maybe instead of asking if I’m still watching, you could maybe ask me if I want a new snack, or maybe if my drink needs a refill, or my pillows need a fluffing. Ugh, now my pillows really do need fluffing. God Netflix, you can be so selfish sometimes.
At the end of the day, is it really the worst thing in the world that we’re sensitive and easily offended? No, not really but it sure is annoying and simultaneously highly entertaining.
Overly offended people, are you a software update? ‘Cause not now.