How To Daughter

Girl’s innocent mother tries to add her on Facebook…. What happens next, you won’t believe…

Sorry. I’ve always wanted to write that for an article like the mediocre ones shared on the Facebook machine.

I have been trolling my mom since 1991 when I decided to be a premature baby.

Surprise Mom! You thought you were having a November baby but I heard that you were gonna call me Holly so I abandoned-womb and popped out a couple months early.

No, Holly McCarroll does not have a “certain ring” to it.

Anyway, I have compiled my Mom Trollings into one blog because: a) I’m avoiding having to help make the turkey dinner which is obviously why you’re here as well while you use your “but I have so much homework” excuse, b) I have no social life, and, c) Refer back to b)

Mom, if you’re reading this, in my defence the following moments of pure trolling on your behalf were motivated by:

#1: Making me wear fanny packs to camp.

#2: Making me wear socks when we all know they’re FOOT PRISONS.

#3: Keeping your sewing kit in a cookie tin thus resulting in lifelong trust issues that I’m still coping with.

I will never trust a cookie tin again. Even when my mind tells me “There are definitely delicious moist chocolate chunk cookies in that tin, the evidence adds up: it even has cookies on the label and it’s in the grocery store!” my heart still says no, no Shannon, it’s probably just various coloured strings, those weird tiny scissors and an absurd amount of needles you know you’ll prick your finger on. EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS A FILTHY LIE.

Here’s some of my revenge.

A.K.A How To Daughter.

(Yes, Daughter is a verb now.)

Disclaimer: No moms were hurt in the filming of these videos

Recently I found out that my mom was finally taking the techno-plunge and activating a Facebook account like all the other cooler Debbies she’s friends with. I can’t believe I didn’t see this coming. Last week I watched as she downloaded Candy Crush, of course Facebook was next on her evil, evil to-download list.

As I said in a previous blog full of brilliant advice…

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I took my own advice and took care of this issue in the most mature, dignified and respectful manor I could possibly manage. I created a fake Facebook account so she’d never see my true identity and pulled off the ultimate mom-troll.

Do other people do this too? Or does everyone just not spend their spare time wearing a Batman mask scaring their parental guardians? Should I just start watching Netflix and like, having friends and all that stuff like normal people do?Should I start worrying about the fact that I even have a Batman mask?? Ah, whatever.

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Here is Shannon P. McCarroll in all her academic glory:

My generous friends (and admittedly some people I have never met before who I assume must’ve added me in the hopes of joining the book club I’m pretending to be apart of… sorry) went along with my alter ego’s existence by writing sweet G rated comments on my new Facebook wall:

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All in all, it worked. Now my mom will never have to see what I actually wore for Halloween last year. (I was a mouse, duh.) I assure you, that would have had her screaming louder than in any of those scare videos…

Moral of the story is, I’m safe for another year of PG-13 Facebook posts, or at least until she reaches her next level of Mom tech-knowledge and finds the real me. Or I guess until she reads this blog post…

S*it.

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