Dear Santa,

 

All I want for Christmas is some help raising my teen.

This year he asked for a hoverboard. I have no clue what that means.

 

His requests are ruining Christmas. Shopping has been no fun.

Why is there no bakery in town that will make me a “man bun” ?!

 

I just want the old times back, where he’d play action figures from his bed,

But now I find him in his room, dropping water condoms on his head.

 

I want to make him happy this year and I promise that I will.

I just don’t know how to make his “bae” want to “Netflix and chill”

 

He wants a turkey dinner but that all depends…

Will he spend the whole damn dinner “Snapchatting” his friends?

 

I just wish he’d stop pretending that he’s so “hashtag blessed,”

and start looking up to literally anyone but Kanye West.

 

The one thing he wants more than them all,

Is 10,000 followers… Can I find those at the mall?

 

He also wants an album from a Fetty Wap?

Is this a type of video game I can find at FutureShop?

 

Will he even be happy with all that I’ve bought?!

He said he’d only be happy if I got him a “THOT”

 

For Goodness sake… Screw him. I no longer really care.

I just found out THOT means “That Hoe Over There.”

 

You know what? He’s getting coal this year. Would that be “on fleek”?!

And I’m going to tell the kids at his school that his “game” is really weak.

 

I know exactly how he will respond. He’ll say I have “no chill”

How ‘bout this my precious son; I should have never gone off the pill.

 

Having a teenager is the worst. Motherhood’s a scam.

He doesn’t even mean me when he says he loves his “fam”.

 

As a gift, I’m going to get him a job and make him have to work.

Good luck posting that to your Instagram, you little f****** jerk.

 

This year he’s sure as hell not getting any of these things.

Santa, for Christmas, just make sure his hotline never “blings.”

 

Love

The Mother of a Millennial

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