I swear I’m a dope son, just to be clear.
I just don’t know what to get my Mom this year.
I’m usually cool with the stress Christmas brings,
But Santa man, this year she wants impossible things.
She wants me to teach her how to use Facebook and Google Maps.
But I wish I could just teach her how not to write “LOL” in all caps.
She told me she wants me to stop being so rude,
and to somehow get her a “Rod Stewart” in the nude?
Not knowing what to get her, doesn’t make me feel very #blessed,
I guess I could always just accept her Facebook friend request.
She wants me to lower the numbers when she steps on the scale,
and to finally teach her how to attach pictures to an email.
Why can’t I just give her a cheap pair of gloves,
and teach her that “lol” does not mean “lots of love.”
I tried to go shopping for her but I’m on a losing streak,
How do I wrap up me taking the garbage out once a week?
She wants me to watch movies with her that involve Tina Fey,
and she wants to Netflix and Chill with Michael Buble.
She asked me to stop using the word “dope,”
And to stop buying her so much scented soap.
I’ve been to 5 stores and I can’t find a “Tom Hanks,”
And I don’t wanna get caught buying her Spanx.
I wish a macaroni picture frame still gave her great joy,
Now I have to get her a picture with “that Justin Biebs boy.”
Alright. Whatever. I’m starting to no longer care.
Where the hell would I find a lock of “Bon Jovi’s” hair?
Santa, this year my mom just has absolutely no chill,
I think I’ll buy her all of these things then mail her the bill.