I march my beautiful, acne-free self into the bathroom to wash my face with face wash that is obviously 100% naturally derived from grapefruits because I deserve this.
I splash my face with enough water to drown a small family given that my face has obviously somehow caught on fire. I truly have never had as much fun as I’m having right this second, but then I remember I get to eat a hilarious salad later on and I smile even more.
I now step over the dangerously large puddle that’s formed in my bathroom, and decide to shave my hairless legs.
Naturally, two of my closest girl friends show up for the leg shaving. As always, we quickly max out our credit cards on matching beautiful white gowns and laugh at those with hair on their legs beside an infinity pool.
We then call our parents for a quick wire transfer of $2000 or so, so we can book a trip to a tropical island.
Because we shaved our legs. Keep up.
Luckily it’s not my time of the month or else we would all have to buy new dresses and head right back down south to dance on a beach with our outrageously comfortable shoes in hand.
After finally settling into our resort, I ditch my friends for the handsome beach man that lives under a nearby waterfall. He doesn’t speak. He just laughs and twirls my little body around and around until the hairs on my legs start to grow back. Then he leaves me for the next clean-shaven vacation lady that arrives.
When I finally get through customs and the long period of questioning (given how many sharp razors were in my bag) I head home. At this point, I finally get hungry. The only food I’ve had is the little bit of 100% all naturally derived grapefruit extract face wash that accidentally got in my mouth.
HUNGRY. MEANS. YOGURT. OH MY GOD I LOVE YOGURT. ALL WOMEN LOVE YOGURT! Yogurt treats me with respect and tells the BEST jokes.
Also, yogurt makes everything go downwards arrow.
My best friend shows up with matching trench coats! So we put on our favourite giant perfume and embrace each other romantically on top of said large bottle, like we do every night.
Time for bed! I polish my engagement ring, put on a coat of makeup and get my silly sun-kissed self cozied up in bed!
I accidentally leave my window open and the scent of a man’s body spray (ughhh MEN! ❤ xoxo) slips through the crack of the window and tickles my fancy.
1:46 AM – 10:00 AM:
The local neighbourhood women and I put on our bikinis and gather like we do every night to hunt down the man with the body spray.
It’s a good thing this future husband of mine makes more money than I do. How else could I afford these wildly expensive visits down South every time I shave my legs?