I march my beautiful acne-free self into the bathroom to wash my face with face wash that is obviously 100% naturally derived from grapefruits because I am NOT a peasant.
I splash my face with enough water to drown a small family given that my face has obviously somehow caught on fire. I truly never have as much fun as I am having right this second, but then I remember I get to eat a hilarious salad later on and I smile even more.
I then step over the dangerously large puddle and decide to shave my hairless legs.
Naturally 2 of my closest girl friends show up for the leg shaving. Like usual, we quickly max out our credit cards on matching white beautiful gowns and dance a little.
We then call our parents for a quick wire transfer of $2000 so we can book a trip down south. Why? Because we shaved our legs. Keep up.
Luckily it’s not my time of the month or else we’d all have to buy new dresses and head right back down south to dance on a beach.
After finally settling into our resort and googling how it could possibly still be so sunny outside, I ditch my friends for the handsome beach man that lives under the nearby waterfall. He doesn’t speak, he just laughs and twirls my little body around and around until the hairs on my legs start to grow back. Then he leaves me for the next clean shaven vacation lady that comes around.
When I finally get through customs and the long period of questioning given how many sharp razors were in my bag, I hitch a ride back home. At this point, I finally get hungry. The only food I’ve had is the little bit of 100% all natural grapefruit extract face wash that accidentally got in my mouth.
HUNGRY MEANS YOGURT. OH MY GOD I LOVE YOGURT. ALL WOMEN LOVE YOGURT! Yogurt treats me with respect and tells the BEST jokes.
Also, yogurt makes everything go downwards arrow.
My best friend shows up with matching trench coats so that we can put on our favourite giant perfume and embrace each other romantically like we do every night.
Time for bed! I polish my engagement ring, put on a coat of makeup and get my silly sun-kissed self cozied up into bed!
I accidentally leave my window open and the scent of a man’s body spray (ughhh MEN! ❤ xoxo) slips through the crack of the window and tickles my fancy.
1:46 AM – 10:00 AM:
The local neighbourhood women and I put on our bikinis and gather like we do every night to hunt down the man with the body spray.
It’s a good thing he makes more money than me because how else could I keep affording these wildly expensive impromptu visits down South every time I shave my legs!!
(Word of advice: don’t photoshop weird photos of yourself while sitting in a Starbucks… People. Will. Wonder.)