I really love watching the Super Bowl, I truly do. But there’s something that bothers me every year, so I feel I need to finally let it out.

Let it out like the air from last year’s ball!!!

Or whatever, I don’t know. Tom Brady?

I don’t think I’m alone in how I feel on this. We all know interruptions are a guaranteed annoying part of any large scale televised event. We all groan when what we’re TRYING to watch is rudely interrupted.

Just when I start to get entertained, BAM!… a bunch of men in tights fill up the screen, selfishly stealing the show. And then they fill up the screen for sometimes even 20 minutes at a time?

This grave problem, that no one seems to openly discuss for some reason, has become so bad that the Super Bowl’s main show is only able to last 30 seconds at a time before it goes back to a bunch of guys fighting for the best concussion*.

30 seconds! Those football players have hours to make great plays. Imagine trying to get a touchdown in 30 seconds?? Not easy.

Or maybe it is.

I like hockey.

But seriously, the people behind the advertisements arguably were also born with a true talent, worked their asses off to make it to the big show, plausibly suffered far fewer concussions*, but who knows, some even might also pat each other on the backside after a good idea comes about! 

(*… and yes, I did recently watch the movie Concussion. I am now extremely well versed in neuroscience, the NFL, and have become an even bigger Will Smith fan than his very own family.)

Maybe I wouldn’t have such an issue with the huge amount of air time the “football game” gets during the Super Bowl if it weren’t for a recent unsettling experience.

Around Christmas time I was at the mall shopping for everyone in my life except for myself (I was shopping for myself) and I overheard two of the retail workers talking about football. One of them was describing some form of site or show or I don’t know, I didn’t listen THAT closely, what do you want from me? And the one guy said: “… [this] makes it SO easy to understand football, even women can understand it now.”

He remembered that there was a human female specimen in the store so he quickly said: “…like kids, or anyone really, can now understand it.”

Yes, Gavin (I named him Gavin) women and children have the same brain capacity. We cannot figure out what in God’s name they’re doing with that funny shaped ball!!

Gavin, you foolish, foolish retail t-shirt folder, I do understand football. I understand there will be nachos involved, and that I can get behind.

Anyway, I think the almighty Murrica needs to hear me out on this serious issue and cut back on all the “football” that interrupts the string of 30 second wonders.

How else am I supposed to find out what car I can’t afford?


One thought on “An Open Letter to The Super Bowl

  1. This is well written and funny 🙂 I see what you did here and I agree

    However, I have stopped watching football for two reasons: it takes my attention away from my family and #2, there are so many damned commercials. Commercials before and after every change in possession. Commercials after every score.

    I much prefer to watch hockey and soccer. There is less break in the action.


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