Brutally Honest Account of Daily Life as a Human Woman (According to my TV)

10:00 AM:

I march my beautiful, acne-free self into the bathroom to wash my face with face wash that is obviously 100% naturally derived from grapefruits because I deserve this.

grapef shan

10:05 AM:

I splash my face with enough water to drown a small family given that my face has obviously somehow caught on fire. I truly have never had as much fun as I’m having right this second, but then I remember I get to eat a hilarious salad later on and I smile even more.

FACE WASH

10:15 AM:

I now step over the dangerously large puddle that’s formed in my bathroom, and decide to shave my hairless legs.

dance

11:01 AM:

Naturally, two of my closest girl friends show up for the leg shaving. As always, we quickly max out our credit cards on matching beautiful white gowns and laugh at those with hair on their legs beside an infinity pool.

kate

11:20 AM:

We then call our parents for a quick wire transfer of $2000 or so, so we can book a trip to a tropical island.

Why?

Because we shaved our legs. Keep up.

beach shaving legs

Luckily it’s not my time of the month or else we would all have to buy new dresses and head right back down south to dance on a beach with our outrageously comfortable shoes in hand. 

tampax copy

8:00 PM:

After finally settling into our resort, I ditch my friends for the handsome beach man that lives under a nearby waterfall. He doesn’t speak. He just laughs and twirls my little body around and around until the hairs on my legs start to grow back. Then he leaves me for the next clean-shaven vacation lady that arrives.

Beach w guy

12:00 AM:

When I finally get through customs and the long period of questioning (given how many sharp razors were in my bag) I head home. At this point, I finally get hungry. The only food I’ve had is the little bit of 100% all naturally derived grapefruit extract face wash that accidentally got in my mouth.

12:01 AM:

HUNGRY. MEANS. YOGURT. OH MY GOD I LOVE YOGURT. ALL WOMEN LOVE YOGURT! Yogurt treats me with respect and tells the BEST jokes.

yog shan

Also, yogurt makes everything go downwards arrow.

activia down

12:31 AM:

Perfume time!

perfume 1

12:32 AM:

My best friend shows up with matching trench coats! So we put on our favourite giant perfume and embrace each other romantically on top of said large bottle, like we do every night.

Perfume BLOG

1:00 AM:

Time for bed! I polish my engagement ring, put on a coat of makeup and get my silly sun-kissed self cozied up in bed!

bed

1:45 AM:

I accidentally leave my window open and the scent of a man’s body spray (ughhh MEN! ❤ xoxo) slips through the crack of the window and tickles my fancy.

1:46 AM – 10:00 AM:

The local neighbourhood women and I put on our bikinis and gather like we do every night to hunt down the man with the body spray.

axe

It’s a good thing this future husband of mine makes more money than I do. How else could I afford these wildly expensive visits down South every time I shave my legs?

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A Millennial’s Letter to Santa

A Millennial’s Letter to Santa

Yo Santa,

 

I swear I’m a dope son, just to be clear.

I just don’t know what to get my Mom this year.

 

I’m usually cool with the stress Christmas brings,

But Santa man, this year she wants impossible things.

 

She wants me to teach her how to use Facebook and Google Maps.

But I wish I could just teach her how not to write “LOL” in all caps.

 

She told me she wants me to stop being so rude,

and to somehow get her a “Rod Stewart” in the nude?

 

 Not knowing what to get her, doesn’t make me feel very #blessed,

I guess I could always just accept her Facebook friend request.

 

She wants me to lower the numbers when she steps on the scale,

and to finally teach her how to attach pictures to an email.

 

Why can’t I just give her a cheap pair of gloves,

and teach her that “lol” does not mean “lots of love.”

 

I tried to go shopping for her but I’m on a losing streak,

How do I wrap up me taking the garbage out once a week?

 

She wants me to watch movies with her that involve Tina Fey,

and she wants to Netflix and Chill with Michael Buble.

 

She asked me to stop using the word “dope,”

And to stop buying her so much scented soap.

 

I’ve been to 5 stores and I can’t find a “Tom Hanks,”

And I don’t wanna get caught buying her Spanx.

 

I wish a macaroni picture frame still gave her great joy,

Now I have to get her a picture with “that Justin Biebs boy.”

 

Alright. Whatever. I’m starting to no longer care.

Where the hell would I find a lock of “Bon Jovi’s” hair?

 

Santa, this year my mom just has absolutely no chill,

I think I’ll buy her all of these things then mail her the bill.

From:

A Millennial

 
 

 

The Mother of a Millennial’s Letter to Santa

The Mother of a Millennial’s Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

 

All I want for Christmas is some help raising my teen.

This year he asked for a hoverboard. I have no clue what that means.

 

His requests are ruining Christmas. Shopping has been no fun.

Why is there no bakery in town that will make me a “man bun” ?!

 

I just want the old times back, where he’d play action figures from his bed,

But now I find him in his room, dropping water condoms on his head.

 

I want to make him happy this year and I promise that I will.

I just don’t know how to make his “bae” want to “Netflix and chill”

 

He wants a turkey dinner but that all depends…

Will he spend the whole damn dinner “Snapchatting” his friends?

 

I just wish he’d stop pretending that he’s so “hashtag blessed,”

and start looking up to literally anyone but Kanye West.

 

The one thing he wants more than them all,

Is 10,000 followers… Can I find those at the mall?

 

He also wants an album from a Fetty Wap?

Is this a type of video game I can find at FutureShop?

 

Will he even be happy with all that I’ve bought?!

He said he’d only be happy if I got him a “THOT”

 

For Goodness sake… Screw him. I no longer really care.

I just found out THOT means “That Hoe Over There.”

 

You know what? He’s getting coal this year. Would that be “on fleek”?!

And I’m going to tell the kids at his school that his “game” is really weak.

 

I know exactly how he will respond. He’ll say I have “no chill”

How ‘bout this my precious son; I should have never gone off the pill.

 

Having a teenager is the worst. Motherhood’s a scam.

He doesn’t even mean me when he says he loves his “fam”.

 

As a gift, I’m going to get him a job and make him have to work.

Good luck posting that to your Instagram, you little f****** jerk.

 

This year he’s sure as hell not getting any of these things.

Santa, for Christmas, just make sure his hotline never “blings.”

 

Love

The Mother of a Millennial