You know when you text a friend and they take a few hours to answer and you find yourself thinking: “What could you possibly be doing right now? You Snapchat every time the wind blows and you even double-tap lame posts of red #Starbucks cups while in the bathroom. Why aren’t you answering?!”
Naturally, when this happens I assume for about 2.5 minutes (that’s how long I’m capable of caring) that said person murdered someone and they’re now spending their time covering up said murder and well, if they’ve seen practically any action movie ever in their dear little lives, they’ve already dramatically thrown their cell phone into a conveniently close large body of water so that no one (me) can reach them and consequently leaving hundreds of Instagram posts of red #Starbucks cups with one less “like.” Unfortunate, really.
Well, I just figured out what these friends of ours are really doing!
When they’re not answering your really important texts about the last episode of The Walking Dead or opening your Snapchat of your cat doing something she does just about every damn minute of every damn day, it seems to me that they have been taking courses on theology and world politics and becoming extremely well versed in the history of the entire world and everyone living on it!!
Not to mention they’ve somehow been to every country of the world which leaves me to believe that along with mastering the ways of the world and forming unbiased, deeply educated opinions in a short matter of time, they’ve also simultaneously created the first ever successfully working time machine that can transport them across the globe to any decade faster than you can say Grande Pumpkin Spice Latte!!
If you’re not at least slightly smirking at the possibility of this truth,
A) My mother, who just got on The Facebook Machine and still has no idea how to use it so she’s missed out on these public displays of opinions about the entire world and everyone living on it; OR
B) Not finding my writing funny at all, which is okay! Just quickly Google whatever it is you find funny (you cold-hearted monster you) then return to this blog with a stolen smile on your face and proceed;
C) You are in fact one of these opinionated geniuses who invented the time machine.
If so, please call me, I want in on this.
I’m an aspiring copywriter and can help you market this wildly intelligent device. “What Happens in the Future Stays in the Future” Eh? Eh??
I can do better, I promise.
Anyway, I’m not one of these people BUT I’ve decided to jump on board the Opinions Train and give the world some of mine that may be a tad different than the ones you’ve seen shared on Facebook as of recently. Different in that they’re way more honest, positive, and well, they (hopefully) won’t start any more arguments.
In my opinion:
Balloons are really just plastic bags of breath.
The roof of your mouth is more of a ceiling.
Running is just walking, but faster. And terrible.
If Taylor Swift were an item of clothing, she’d be overalls.
You’re only an adult when your phone stops autocorrecting f*** to “duck”.
It’s unfair that we call strangers “perfect” when we haven’t even met them yet.
Babies should not be trusted. Why do you think baby monitors exist?!
Babies are just little drunk adults that provide absolutely nothing to the conversation.
Collecting Beanie Babies was a government conspiracy that got us nowhere in life.
If Macaulay Caulkin was my son, I’d leave him home alone too.
Saying “ball” instead of “basketball” will eventually get you less “but you’re white” shifty looks and you will in turn become 28% cooler to your peers.
The trend of girls wearing high waisted jean shorts was created by an evil woman-hating alien sent to Earth from the far-off planet of Patriarchy to brainwash young human girls into thinking their high-waisted-jean-short-created-Mom-Butts look great, ultimately leading them to attract a husband and fall into a 1950s housewife role.
Global warming isn’t real.
(Just kidding about that last one. DON’T BE RIDICULOUS.)
Okay, I’m done now. You can all go back to building time machines and what not.